He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

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He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby hbomb » Thu Feb 14, 2013 9:57 pm

After dating for five months, we broke up a couple of weeks ago. We'd met each other's families and friends, and taken two out-of-town trips together, but when I brought up the subject of exclusivity, he said he felt like he wasn't in a good place in his life to be in a relationship. My timing wasn't great--his mother has been in bad health for a few months, and he's been dealing with financial difficulties and depression--but I had gotten to a point where I didn't feel comfortable getting any closer to him unless I knew neither of us were seeing anyone else. I took a risk, and it didn't pay off. Live and learn.

When we had the breakup talk, he said he didn't want me to disappear from his life. I said we could try to be friends, but I knew it wouldn't be possible right away. Our feelings for each other hadn't changed; it was external circumstances that prevented us from making a commitment to each other. Truth be told, I could use some work in my personal life, too, and all the time I was spending with him had become a distraction. Within a couple of days after we broke up, he texted me to "check in," just like he'd been doing for the last few months that we'd been dating. I politely responded once, but nothing after that. A few days later, he reached out again. At that point, I'd had plenty of time to think about everything, and I knew I needed more time to work through my emotions before I could have a platonic relationship with him. I didn't respond. Three days later, he texted me again. I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him, so I sent a vague but polite response. He texted back right away but I didn't respond. He texted me today--Valentine's Day--to ask what I'm up to tonight. There are only so many reasons why a guy might text his ex on Valentine's Day.

There's no doubt in my mind he still has feelings for me. I think we could be really happy together someday, but we both need to make some changes in our lives before that can happen. How should I move forward from here so that we still have a chance to get back together in the future?
hbomb
 
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Re: He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby lagirl » Fri Feb 15, 2013 1:44 pm

It sounds as if he still wants sex with you and a FWB relationship. That is actually what you were giving him all along, until you asked about exclusivity.

I am confused why he can't be exclusive due to family issues/stress? Those are common excuses a guy will use. Read around. The number one excuses for not being able to have a relationship is work, family, depression/stress. If a guy truly is wanting a relationship with you, he will make it happen.

I think you are confusing your feelings of love for him as HIM feeling the same way. If that was the case, he would be committed to you and not making excuses. You should believe a guy when he tells you he is not ready for a relationship.

Guys do not match up love and sex. Actually, when you said he called and asked what you were doing on Valentine's night, I got the first impression that he wanted a booty call... :(

How to move on? At this point no contact makes the most sense. Everytime you have contact, no matter how brief, it keeps you from moving forward. Let him know you want space and will not be in communication with him for awhile as you sort your feelings out. This will give you both a chance to clear your heads, work on your own issues and truly decide what will be best for you moving forward.

I hope things work in a way that makes you happy.
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Re: He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby hbomb » Fri Feb 15, 2013 2:40 pm

Well, we live an hour and a half away from each other. I live with my parents and I don't have a car. In order to hook up, he would have had to drive three hours round-trip. So the booty call theory is quite a stretch.

I never said anything about being in love with him. I just felt like five months was long enough to date without having any idea what he wanted out of our time together, and I don't think that's unreasonable. He introduced me to his family, and he went out of his way to meet my family--on Thanksgiving day, no less. He took me camping on the beach twice, which is a lot of hard work. He built a shade structure for me and a campfire by himself, and he taught me how to fish. I've been in a few FWB situations in my day, and this was not a FWB situation.

I could really use some advice from someone who won't just jump to the conclusion that this guy is a scumbag who's hoping to keep me around as a hookup option.
hbomb
 
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Re: He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby lagirl » Sat Feb 16, 2013 12:48 am

I am not calling him a scumbag. But your guess is as good as mine regarding why he called you on Valentine's day. The bottom line in that while he may have feelings for you, he hasn't conveyed a change in position about being exclusive with you.

With regard to your questions:

How to move on? The best way to do this is to cut off all contact. At least until you get your own emotions under control. As you admit right now, it is painful for you to do platonic when you still have romantic feelings for him. Get some distance and space so you can regain control and start moving forward in your life without him being a significant part of it.

How can you reconnect in the future? This is an unknown. You may move forward (as will he) and find another person that you fall in love with. At this point, there are no 'methods' if you will to guarantee or ensure that 'at the right time' you will both be ready to try a relationship again.

Sometimes when a guy experiences life without you in it, it causes him to realize he misses you and does not want to lose you. When / if this happens you just may find him seeking you out in the near future and offering you the exclusivity of a relationship. OR, he may simply move on.

I do applaud you that you respect yourself enough to not settle for what he DOES have to offer you right now. I agree, 5 months is long enough to decide on whether or not he wants to get more serious with you.

I hope that helps.
lagirl
 
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Re: He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby lagirl » Sat Feb 16, 2013 12:50 am

By the way. In regard to the continued texting. Guys love attention just like we do.
He knows what you want out of the relationship. Unless he is willing to give you that - the texting and continued contact is more for HIS benefit than for yours.

That may sound harsh... yet guys will do this as a technique to keep you engaged with him and as an 'option.'
lagirl
 
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Re: He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby bedazzle » Sat Feb 16, 2013 11:57 am

I am going to respectfully disagree with Lagirl on this one - to a certain degree. :-)

For a man, he is more driven by his purpose in life than he is by relationships. A man measures his own personal success and self worth/respect/esteem with his purpose/work. A woman measures her own personal success and self worth based on the quality of her relationships. When a man does not have his life together, he has a very difficult time being in a relationship. I think John Gray, Men are From Mars, talks about this, but I may be wrong on that.

I do think you are correct that the timing of your "talk" was certainly off. I also think that there has been maybe a misunderstanding of what he heard and maybe what you want.

If what you are asking for is exclusivity, to me that would mean that you want to establish that you and he are only dating each other while you figure out if what you have is going to develop into a relationship. What your guy heard (mostlikely) is that you want a relationship which in his mind equals marriage. While he may not be able to verbalize this or understand it, men don't understand what a relationship means to a woman. Also men understand the social norm is that women dream about marriage from a child, where men don't think along those lines at all. They don't want a relationship to have a relationship. They fall in love with a woman and want a relationship with her.

You may have been very specific (which you need to be in communicting with men) when you told him you want exclusivity/relationship. Or you used those words, assuming you both had the same definition for those words.

I believe your guy cares about you, but his life is not together enough for him to consider himself to get into a relationship with you. I think this is why he keeps texting you and texted you on V-day. He cares.

The question then is where do you two stand and how to proceed?

Are the two of you already exclusive in that you two are only having sex with and dating each other? If you are already there in actions, then what is it that you were asking for? If not, then just taking the step of being exclusive and him saying no, I would move on. Being exclusive is not that big of a step for a man.

If you are asking for a relationship, what does that mean to you? What is the structure of that commitment. For example, you two are only seeing each other, you see each other 3 times a week and talk daily, or whatever it is that you want.

Since he is still contacting you, I personally would talk to him. Figure out the structure of your relationship whether it be platonic friendship and if that means no contact for a while or if you two can re-discuss what it is that you specfically want and if that works for him too.

I don't think this guy yet has done anything to be completely cut off. I think you two of a little unfinished business that you need to sort out.
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Re: He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby lagirl » Sat Feb 16, 2013 10:10 pm

Great Advice!! As always, Bedazzle.

I guess what I picked up on was this statement

" I didn't feel comfortable getting any closer to him unless I knew neither of us were seeing anyone else. I took a risk, and it didn't pay off. Live and learn."

I was of the impression he understood she wanted to be exclusively having sex and exclusively date him.
lagirl
 
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Re: He Broke Up with Me--Why Is He Still Texting Me?

Postby bedazzle » Sun Feb 17, 2013 11:40 pm

What I responded to was, she wrote, she discussed exclusivity and she said he said he was not in a place to have a relationship. These are not the same thing so that is why I thought it was something to be addressed.
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