Dating Tips & Relationship Advice For Women Forum | anewmode.com

Okay, I am not the type of girl that will blow up a guy's phone. I believe in them texting first everyday. I can't stand aggravating obsessive needy girls. So therefore I don't act like that. So me and this guy met in a bar and have been kind of talking for about three weeks. We have hung out three times including when we met. I understand he has a busy life, he works monday through thursday then goes out of town to hunt on the weekends. It is very hard to see him not to mention he lives about an hour and 15 mins away. I really like this guy. I havent been pushy or anything to that nature. He is very sweet. He will text me in the mornings when he wakes up but it only lasts for about 3 or 4 days then I guess somewhere in the midst he gets busy and forgets. Well then we will go about 3 or 4 days with out texting. Until I make a point to text him and then he tells me that he is sorry he has been busy lately and i tell him it is ok and I understand. I mean I am busy too. So then its the effort of me texting first until he does then we stop and then the cycle just repeats. He has talked about future things relating to us. And he even talks to his mom about me in good ways. He hasnt texted me back in 2 days...should I text him? I mean did I do something wrong? I dont get it? He so into me one minute then I feel like I did something wrong. I really don't want to text him because I want to stay true to my rule, but is that what he is waiting for? I don't want to bother him. What is up?

Heya SisterGirl, I hope my thoughts will be helpful to you and I hope that will accept that I tend to be fairly direct.

I will say that I am not a big texter. I am notorious for not texting people for some time after they have texted me. Actually, I dislike phones in general, talking on them, texting with them. I like direct contact, i.e. in-person. Why am I writing this? Well, it could be that your guy is a bit like me... Not so hung up ye olde good technology... and texting isn't foremost in his mind. It is perhaps unfortunate that it is your main method of communication, because it limits the way in which you can have contact with each other.

Okay, so on to your question. What do you because he hasn't texted you in two days? Nothing. What does it mean that he hasn't texted you in two days? You are the one with the rules... and I doubt that you have sat him down to explain the rules to him... That is, I doubt you had a conversation where you said, "Btw, you need to text me first every day, because that's the way it works in my world. And if you don't text me after two days there is a problem."

Here's the deal, you already know what's up with this guy, becaue you said it,

I understand he has a busy life, he works monday through thursday then goes out of town to hunt on the weekends. It is very hard to see him not to mention he lives about an hour and 15 mins away. I really like this guy.

If you really like this guy, then listen... because you also said this,

He has talked about future things relating to us. And he even talks to his mom about me in good ways.

In the grand scheme of things, do two days really matter? And if they do, then you can always go this route. Sit down, grab a sheet of paper and ask yourself the following:

1. What are some possible and probable reasons that he has not texted me?
2. If you have listed in the above reasons that "he doesn't care about you" or something like that, then ask yourself this question: What evidence do I have to support this reason.
3. What is the worst thing that could happen if this relationship ended now?
4. What is the best thing that could happen if this relationship ended now?
5. What would I do? To whom would I speak? How would I spend my time?

All right enough... I think you get the idea. Take it easy with yourself... In general I am not partial to rules (Boundaries, yes...) that are imposed upon others (especially if they are unexplained from the start).

I hope this helps!

Best,

Armana

Thanks Armana,
However, I have mentioned my rule that I believe he should text me first but then he mentioned that he believes the girl should text first sometimes too. So I have those few times and he did infact text back. And two days really isnt that big of a deal I guess because obviously we've gone more than two days without communication. And there were a few times when he hadn't texted me all day but called to talk on the phone after work. I guess Im just impatient, waiting for him to contact me and so I feel as if it is something I've done wrong. And I guess I am scared of rejection because of past relationships so therefore I dont have much confidence and when I do have confidence, it all goes down hill. So its like do I be optimistic or pesimistic? I am ready for a guy, a good guy, and I know it takes time. Im just so use to past relationships failing and I feel like I'll never get to that resting point for atleast a lil while but always use to otherwise. I have a past of guys treating me wrong, so with this one I just want to make sure I'm doing everything right and using my backbone.

Heya SisterGirl, I am all about using my backbone too... and I absolutely know what it's like to have my confidence shattered. I am glad to see that you were upfront about your rule thing. Of course, he did counter your request with his own... So, I imagine the two of you reached some kind of compromise

I wanted to respond to this part of your post,

I guess Im just impatient, waiting for him to contact me and so I feel as if it is something I've done wrong. And I guess I am scared of rejection because of past relationships so therefore I dont have much confidence and when I do have confidence, it all goes down hill. So its like do I be optimistic or pesimistic? I am ready for a guy, a good guy, and I know it takes time.

No, I don't think you are just impatient. I think perhaps you are experiencing fear... as you later on expressed that you are presently afraid to be rejected by him.

You know, people often confuse confidence and high self-esteem. You can present yourself as confident and perhaps be confident in certain aspects of your life and struggle with low self-esteem. I wonder here about your self-esteem... You are worried "if it something" you've "done wrong." Also, your confidence seems to take a severe nose-dive at different points (I think related to men).

Here's the deal, I don't know if this is an issue of whether or not you are ready for a good guy... or that it takes time (I actually believe that finding a good guy is in direct relation to finding a way to love and accept yourself holistically). I think this is an issue of you needing to take time for yourself... That time that you spend waiting, spend it on some tasks that can improve your sense of self-efficacy and hone your understanding of your own self-concept. Yeah? I believe that the more you know and can love yourself, the better your self-esteem and the better your confidence. Moreover, I believe that this will place you on equal footing in your relationships... You won't have to worry so much about the rules, because you will CHOOSE to surround yourself with like-minded people who will appreciate you and treat you with the respect that you desire.

You know, one of this I like to write is a "Bill of Assertiveness Rights." This is a way that I can create rules for myself about how I want to live and expect to be treated, and also how I want to treat others, especially in communicating with them.

I hope this helps!

Best,

Armana

Thanks again! This really helped and is so true. However, I have one last quick question...so should I wait until he texts me first? And what if he never does? Or do I text him first?

Well, I cannot tell you what to do... Here are a couple of questions though:

What will you do if you text him and he does not respond within a reasonable amount of time... or if he does not respond at all? How will you feel?

What will it mean to you if he does text? What does it tell you about him as a person? How might it make you feel?

And what if he never does?

Well... Why would you want to spend your emotional capital on someone who would do something that she or he knows will be upsetting to you or that you may consider disrespectful?

Hope this helps!

Best,

Armana

Thank You very much! Well I wonder if maybe he is waiting for me to text him. And if I text him and he doesnt respond then that will let me know that I should move on for sure. But if I never text him and he nevers texts me then I will just wonder and worry. I think I will text him in a few days just to see what happens. And then so be it!

Okay so I texted him this morining "Good morning, how was your weekend?" And absolutely nothing. Which kind of reminds me of a previous guy. The last guy I went on a date with before this one, I met at my brothers wedding and the guy was in town for a job. He only stayed in the area for a another week and then he would be leaving to go home whichh is like 4 hours away. So while he was in town, we went on 2 dates. One of the dates were the night before he left. Not to mention he stayed an extra day just so he could see me. So the next day he left and when he got home he told me "I am coming back soon to see you. You're a sweetheart"(exact words). Then we texted for maybe 3 days after that and then never heard from him again. And he did text me first everyday. So it wasnt like I was blowin up his phone or pushing him away. Within those few days we talked about alot and I really opened up to him and so did he. Not to mention we didnt even kiss but when I left the last night, within seconds he texted me "I have a lot of fun with you" then my phone died so when I got a good charge, he said "are you okay?" then I responded and so on but then, he said "I wanted to kiss you" and I said well you should have and so on......well after 2 weeks of not hearing from him, i texted him on thanksgiving and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and he said "who is this?" the dude DELETED MY NUMBER...I did nothing to him that would make him delete my number....so i told him who I was and he said "you too" and I didnt even bother texting back. Like really why do guys come into my life, tell me all these sweet promising things and seem so into me then just BOOOM they're gone?? Im not the type thats aggravating, I never blew up their phones, I was just my simple self...and I am a very sweet calm person and good and kind and very down to earth and well rounded...ask anyone who knows me....I just do not get it...Am I missing something?

Hello,

Everything Armana already told you should be pretty helpful. I can tell you are overwhelmed by whats happening, so I thought I would share with you what someone else (avatar immaculate virgoan I believe) already posted on this very forum, because it made a lot of sense to me, so here it goes:

I think the reason there is more information out there for women is that women by nature, are inclined to read it.

Seriously, how many men do you know who would sit down to a good read about how to improve their relationships? There just isn't the reader market out there for an abundance of good books.

I think men, in the early days of dating, put on a bit of a show (Just like a peacock parading it's feathers) to lure a woman. Woman get easily sucked into the niceties without thinking about what the guy is really like. No he is not a perfect man that changes for the worse after a couple of months. He is a man who managed to maintain a facade for just long enough to reel you in.

I think the trick is to respond to bad treatment as you would if it happened in the first couple of weeks. Ignore his arse until he's behaving in a way that feels good to you.

it never ceases to amaze me how men know how to behave in order to woo a girl but as soon as they have they dispense with the niceties. The trick there is to never quite let them have that feeling of having caught you. Not unless there is solid commitment (marriage or similar) on the table.

Ivy

Hope this helps. Anyway, don't freak out just yet, he might answer you tonight!! a guy I thought blew me off just wrote to me because he never got my text.. I would say wait it out. If he likes you, he'll come to you. Good luck!