He likes me, but doesn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

He's saying or doing something and you want to know what it means...

He likes me, but doesn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

Postby HereWithQuestions » Tue May 29, 2012 4:12 am

I met the guy that I'm seeing at the beginning of the month, and we had our first date 2 weeks ago. This guy (we'll call him "Bob") has been wonderful. We've seen each other 5-6 times already, plus after a week of dating he invited me to a fun destination around 2 hours from where we live, for the weekend. (He co-owns his photography business and had a gig there.) He's unlike any other guy that I've dated, in that he's extremely affectionate and loves kissing in public. Normally I take it slow with dating, but since he's so affectionate, I asked him the "What are we?" question. I hear that guys hate that, so I worded it differently, saying, "You don't have to answer this now, but if you are interested, I'd love to be your girlfriend."

So we spoke briefly about it. We both acknowledged that we still need to get to know each other, so there's no need to rush that. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else. He paused and replied, "Kinda." That alone made me want to cry. I then asked if he was seeing her for a while, and he said no. I didn't ask anything else about her. We then cuddled, kissed, etc. after a few minutes of me laying there (on the bed) not knowing how to react. Later on in the night after a nice kissfest, he asked, "How did I get so lucky? Girls never come up and talk to me, let alone contact me afterwords." (I spoke with him at a show that we played at [both of our bands shared the same bill that night.]).

Fast forward to the following morning (he stayed over for the night). We got brunch, came back to my place, kissed some more, then sat outside and talked. He then brought up that conversation again, and asked if I was ok with everything. I told him that I'm fine with taking it slow since we're still getting to know each other, but it kills me inside knowing that there's someone else in the picture. He replied, "Oh, you don't have to worry about her." I didn't inquire further, though I am curious what that situation is about. He also mentioned that he's hesitant to start a relationship for "selfish reasons" (his words ver batim). He co-owns his own business, he's in a band, and from what I gathered, he doesn't want to feel tied down. He asked me if I was one of those people who goes from relationship to relationship, and I said "yes" for the most part. He said that his relationships don't typically last long, as his longest has been 10 months. Again I didn't think to ask him why his relationships don't last long, but I am curious.

Later on that evening, after spending 1.5 days together, he texted me saying that he had a wonderful day and night before, and can't wait to see me again. He's still incredibly affectionate and wants to continue seeing me, so how should I feel about this? Again, I understand that this is new for the both of us, but I do worry that either 1) we will see each other, but since we're not committed, he may still be seeing other people, or 2) we see only each other, but he refuses to commit no matter how long we date. He said that he wants to see where this goes, but am I getting my hopes up? We are still very early in the relationship.

For reference, he is 27 and fairly busy. I am 29, and I'm at the point of my life where I'm only dating men that I can imagine marrying someday. I understand that nothing is guaranteed, but I am ready for marriage and children in the next 6 years (hopefully!). I'm pretty sure this guy isn't even thinking about that right now. So, any advice is welcome. Thank you for listening.
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Re: He likes me, but doesn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

Postby trufflington » Tue May 29, 2012 2:43 pm

I signed up for email dating tips from ANewMode. I would suggest you and anyone else who is reading this to do the same.

Part 1:

Women ask me this question over and over again:

How do I get him to call me his girlfriend?

- or -

How do I get him to become official or exclusive with me?

- or -

How do I get him to say he's in a relationship with me on Facebook?

Maybe you're already in an "official" relationship, but I would still urge you to keep reading because the trick I'm about to reveal applies to all relationships at any stage.

In many cases, a woman asks me one of those "how do I get a title / relationship status" question after weeks or months of waiting for the guy to
commit to her in some way.

Things started out fine and progressed into seeing each other steadily and regularly. But for whatever reason, despite the frequent visits, sleepovers, dates, texts, etc. he says he doesn't want a relationship.

(Or for some, he says he's not ready for some next step... moving in, marriage, etc.)

There's a truth about people - men and women: People only step up to do something when they're inspired to and/or feel it's necessary.

So to all you women who have been treating that guy who's not your boyfriend as if he were your boyfriend (or heck, some of you are treating him like your
godlike husband), I have this message:

He's already getting what he wants.

He knows you're not going anywhere. He knows that there's no urgency to change anything about your arrangement, really, since you are deeply and completely infatuated with him. You're in deep and he knows it. He might not know that you've planned your wedding or the birth of your two kids in
your mind yet, but he knows that you could care less about any other man on the planet.

And therein lies the problem.

See, you say you want or need a committed relationship or a boyfriend or a husband. But you SETTLE for what you're getting now and chances are you're going to keep settling (and getting what you're currently getting) until
something breaks.

It's not that he's a bad guy. It's not that he wants to take advantage of you or take you for granted. It's simply that you're graciously accepting how
things are even though you're dying a silent death inside.

You might think that you're doing a favor for your relationship in the long run. I'm here to tell you you're not.

The fact is, you're lying to yourself and to your guy if you're putting on a happy face on the surface but deep down feeling that you want or need better.

Now, I don't want this to be a super long e-mail, so tomorrow I will share this trick with you so you can finally turn the tables and get the commitment from
your guy (or know for certain that he's a dead end...)

Part 2:

To quickly recap, if a guy says he doesn't want "a relationship" or "to
be exclusive" or "to be official" or to marry you...

HE MEANS IT.

So believe him... and if that's where you're at now (or if you're ever there at some point in the future), I'm going to talk you through what you need to know now.

So here's the trick... and it's drop dead simple.

First, you must realize... really realize... that your current relationship status and
arrangement IS your current relationship status.

If he says he doesn't want to be in an exclusive relationship with you, then you had better make sure that this guy is not your only option.

It's amazing to me, but there are SO MANY women who just commit to guys that have specifically said that they're not committed to any relationship. The women hope and pray for things to change, but again, why would they change if the guy has everything he would get from a girlfriend without the title?

And on that note, when he told you that he didn't want to be in a relationship, I'm sure he gave you a reason:

He's not over his ex...

He has baggage...

He's not in a good place in his life for a girlfriend...

He's too busy to commit to a relationship - he wouldn't be able to give it his all...

And on and on.

Listen: When a man says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, he
means it. The reason doesn't matter - the reason is just to soften the blow. The real message always is: I don't want to be in a relationship with you.

The "trick" is to never treat that guy like a priority when you're only an option to him.

In other words - if he hasn't chosen you as THE ONE, then you need to make sure that you have options as well. This is for a few very important reasons:

Men want to be with a prize. Heck, women want to be with a prize too - we like to be with people who are a cut above the rest.

Well a prize is something that not only needs to be won, but could also be lost to someone else if they don't bring their A game.

See a lot of women don't give men the opportunity to bring their A game for them. The women see the slightest glimmer of a chance for a relationship and they shut down ALL other options with other men.

They delete their Match profiles, they tell all other potential guys that they're
seeing someone, etc.

And the new guy can feel that there's no competition - he's won and there's no need to bring his A game for his victorious claiming of you as his prize.

This is why it's so important not only to truly be SINGLE until you're actually in a
relationship with a guy, but also to have multiple options.

When you see guys stepping up and locking down a woman in a relationship, whether it's getting the girlfriend title, moving in together or even marriage, the man knows that if he doesn't commit and move forward, he could lose the
woman.

When men commit, it's because they're inspired to bring their A game, inspired to make their woman happy and inspired to claim their prize.

I am not suggesting manipulating men or holding this over a guy's head like a
grim shadow. That will backfire heavily, I promise.

What I am recommending is a mindset shift - when you don't like what you're getting, stop trying to CHANGE it and instead look for other options to get what you want.

If the man cares about keeping you, he will step up to keep you. No man wants his woman to choose another option than him - if he wants you, he will step up to the plate.

On the other hand, if you take that mindset too far, it will have extremely bad consequences - think of this mindset as a light spice, just a pinch of it to
season a pleasant meal. Too much spice and you ruin it.

All in all, if you want a man to commit, you MUST activate his desire to POSSESS you and steal you away from all other would-be suitors.


If you don't activate this desire in him, he will not commit to you.

It is amazing how quickly a man will suddenly "fix" whatever issue was standing in the way of him committing to you when he thinks he could lose you to another man.

Suddenly he's over his baggage...

Suddenly his relentless work schedule has loosened up...

Suddenly he's ready to be in a relationship...

Now, the other side of this trick is that if the guy doesn't step up even when you do have options (remember, you're not flaunting them or talking about
it), he was never going to.

It's that simple - if he doesn't step up when he knows you could go with another man, then you just learned info that could save you years of heartache and time wasted on a dead end relationship.

Plus, if he doesn't step up, you have options! You're not starting at square one. You can part ways with the guy amicably (or not) and start seeing other
men who will likely be more likely to commit.

Don't be surprised if you get a tearful call from the non-committal guy a few days or weeks later, saying that he needs you and he messed up. But remember, your current relationship status IS your true relationship status.

So stop daydreaming about what "could be" and start facing what is - if your
relationship status is single, you're single. Act accordingly and you might just have things start moving forward.

Hope it helps,

eric charles
trufflington
 
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Re: He likes me, but doesn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

Postby mcnyc » Tue May 29, 2012 3:54 pm

:D Hi.

The dude told you he's dating someone else but that you shouldn't worry about it. I would worry. It means he's blowing you off and telling you to mind your own business basically and you can believe you ain't the only one who doesn't need to worry about the fact who else he's seeing.
I get that you're so ready to have kids but why date some guy who is younger than you, what seems to be a free spirit, dating openly and in a band? That just doesn't sound like a good resume.
I have no idea where you picked him up but I think don't get your hopes up regarding him.
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Re: He likes me, but doesn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

Postby HereWithQuestions » Wed May 30, 2012 4:06 am

Hey there!

Thank you guys for the great feedback! Man, Eric's advice was extremely helpful. He's right, in that I have been making it too easy for "Bob", so I'm waiting for him to contact me now (I typically email him at night just to say goodnight or ask how his day was. He usually responds, though lately he's been slacking! That's ok though, he made up for it by hanging out with me the past two days.) I thought long and hard about this all day, and asked myself what I would recommend to someone in my position. I concluded that I'll wait this out for a few months and see what happens, but since I am technically single, I will continue to keep my options open since Bob is definitely doing so! I do plan on discussing this with him, only so he knows that I won't be waiting on the sidelines for him while he's dilly-dallying with other gals :-P And to respond to the 2nd post, what's wrong with a younger guy? He's not that much younger! Granted men mature MUCH later than women, so dating a 27-year old guy is like dating a 22-year old.

Either way, thank you so much for your input! It's all very much appreciated.
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Re: He likes me, but doesn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

Postby mcnyc » Wed May 30, 2012 4:13 am

:D Hi Darling.

There's nothing wrong with dating a younger dude, but you said you wanted a family in 5-6 year so I just suggested that if you wanted a family then consider dating someone your age or older. Men are ready for a family typically at 30 or over, so.... :lol: Don't get mad at me, you pointed that out first.

You plan on telling Bob that if he's not holding out for you, neither are you? And exactly what good is that information going to do? Bob could care less is the fact. Why would you explain yourself to him at all?

Is he extremely good looking or what?
mcnyc
 
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