Pregnant, Living together for 2 year and he wont Marry!

Struggling to get him to tie the knot?

Pregnant, Living together for 2 year and he wont Marry!

Postby ConfusedGirl84 » Wed Dec 21, 2011 5:45 pm

Short and well I will try to keep it short. My boyfriend and I have been dating and living together for 2 years now and I just found out Im pregnant. Last night he changed into someone I have never met. Out of the blue he lashed out and told me this is my fault, he hardly knows me, has no plans to marry me, what the point its just a paper, oh so you can leave me and take everything. Ok so I was shocked to hear these things come out the mouth of the man I was madly in love with for 2 years. :shock: Then today he sent me a text telling me ..he doubts our relationship now! What the heck does this mean?
Is this just an out? Needles to say tonight Im going to my mothers for a few days to THINK. Im hurt by the fact that we have been together for so long and he hasnt had any intention to marry me at all. He says whats the point we are in a committed relationship. I just dont understand men at all. Im at a loss for words to describe how I feel right now.
All he can talk about at this moment is about how this affects him... Not once has he asked me how I feel or what my thoughts on this are. He has now put doubt in our relationship. Is there any hope? Should I just cut my losses and raise this child alone? I dont want to be with someone who doesnt love me enough to spend the rest of his life with me.

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Re: Pregnant, Living together for 2 year and he wont Marry!

Postby eric » Wed Dec 21, 2011 7:16 pm

I can't comment on parenthood, but as far as the relationship is concerned it sounds like he was massively shocked by the news and wasn't handling his own emotions well.

Let's talk about the effective way and ineffective way to handle this:

(The ineffective way)

In cases like this, most women would already be feeling incredibly vulnerable. And having him emotionally lash out like this would most likely cause just about any woman to chase him for reassurance that he cares and doesn't mean what he's saying.

But chasing is never a good situation in a relationship - it makes the other person into an "objective" (which is really the opposite of relationship).

(The effective way)

He needs time and space to deal with his own emotions. Men typically need to have some time outside of or away from the relationship to work out their emotions. Men never want to "show themselves" in relationship when they feel emotionally vulnerable or unstable.

So let him have his time to emotionally process this and stabilize himself. Give him space and time to do that without chasing him or needing him to reassure you.

Much easier said than done, but it is truly the best strategy. Considering that you feel his reaction was totally out-of-the-blue suggests that he probably didn't really mean what he was saying.

Granted, it sounds like you two will need to talk things through, but that should only happen after you've both calmed down and organized your thoughts.

In the meantime, the best thing you can do is keep yourself calm and try to find happiness in your situation. Try to find the "silver lining". Your situation is what it is - the best strategy at this moment is to accept it with gracefulness and without causing yourself any additional, needless suffering.
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Re: Pregnant, Living together for 2 year and he wont Marry!

Postby gorgo300 » Thu Dec 22, 2011 5:55 am

Hi ConfusedGirl84,

In my opinion I think the more important issue is your pregnancy rather your boyfriend's reaction. But I would start with the boyfriend issue.

From what you posted, I am guessing your bf lashed out those words because he thought you got pregnant intentionally to get him to marry you. That might have been his interpretation and understanding of the event, which made him angry.

To explain why your bf might have interpreted the event in such a way:
some of my guy friends told me how similar stories happened to their friends (in other words, their gf got pregnant, insisted on having the baby, the guy ended up either marrying the woman or, if not, bearing partial financial responsibility to raise the kid despite not wanting the child in the first place). And it seems that, for some men, "getting pregnant" is a manipulative tactic that some women have used to get their men to marry them. They have either experienced it first hand or have seen their friends gone through it or have heard stories about it. For these men, if something similar happens to them, they may feel that they got "tricked" into a marriage and harbor resentment in the long term.

In addition, some men may love the child, but refuse to marry the mother of his child.

1) I am assuming that the pregnancy was accidental, whatever the reason. If that's the case, you need to let your boyfriend know. His anger and negative emotions may be due to his feeling of getting trapped by your getting pregnant and being tricked into marriage, which could be the reason he's doubting your relationship, and possibly feeling betrayed by you.

2) Another important thing is, right now, you need to carefully consider your options and make prompt decisions. Remember that the decisions you make now will have an impact on both your current relationship AND your life for the next 20 years. There's no right or wrong answer. It's up to you to decide what to do. Just remember that there will be consequences to whatever decision you end up making.

I can relate to how you feel right now, as I went through a similar situation (pregnancy). I would like to share some perspectives, both on the physical and emotional fronts.

For your physical health:
a) if you do not know exactly for how long you have been pregnant, make sure to see your doctor ASAP.

For your emotional health:
a) Your bf current reactions aside, you need to think carefully about the following:
- if you choose to have the baby, are you financially stable enough to go through the pregnancy and to raise the child? Take a moment to imagine what your life would be like once the baby is born. With a child, comes responsibilities, commitments and sacrifices. Are you 100% sure that you are ready to be a fully-committed, responsible parent to raise a child, financially and emotionally?

- What of your boyfriend's wishes? Is he ready and willing to have a child with you? (feeling ready to marry and feeling ready to have children can be two different things) If in fact he does not want children now, will he still stay with you if you choose to have the baby? What do you see you and the boyfriend a few years down the road?

- If you choose to have the baby and your boyfriend decides to end the relationship (but willing to provide financial support), will you be able to deal with the emotional toll (remember you're pregnant now, your body isn't just about you anymore)? If the relationship ends and the boyfriend refuses to provide support, will you be able to raise to the child alone? How will having a child affect your future dating life, and all the other things you want to do?

If you can answer yes to all the questions above, and have thought through clearly and carefully of the consequences of your actions (ie. go through the pregnancy and have the baby), then great.

b) If you are not sure about any of the above questions, OR you have answered some of them negatively, then you have two options to consider: first, carry the pregnancy to term and put the baby up for adoption; or, second, an abortion.

If you choose abortion, there will be associated cost (depends on where you live, travel to the clinic and surgery/medical fee). Also, you will need to visit your doctor's office ASAP to determine the length of your pregnancy, as abortion procedure may be legal up to only a certain number of weeks. I'd suggest do a some readings on abortion procedure and after-care. In addition, remember that, regardless whatever pro-life arguments there are, many women who chose abortion did so because they wanted to be a responsible parent and they knew at the time they would not be able to properly provide for the baby/child.

[please note that I am neither promoting abortion nor bringing any political/religious debate. I am merely being realistic and pragmatic. Having an abortion is never an easy choice.]

3) Once you have made your decision (either to have and raise the child, adoption or abortion), talk to your boyfriend. You have to let him know your decision because he already knows about the pregnancy.

My personal take on pregnancy and dating is that, I do not agree a man should feel that he should marry a woman simply because the woman is pregnant. Even if the man ends up giving the woman a marriage, but if he initially reacted negatively, in the long term it casts doubts over whether the man married for responsibilities (for the unborn child) or for his love for the woman. Just because a man married for the sake of the unborn child does not necessarily mean he still loves and respects the woman who is the mother of the child.

To a large extent, it's your call and you have a tough decision to make. Just be really clear about what exactly it is that you really want, and realize that regardless what decision you make, there will always be consequences and a price to pay.

Hope this helps. May you have the strength you need to pull through this ordeal.

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Re: Pregnant, Living together for 2 year and he wont Marry!

Postby amorbonita1012 » Sat Feb 25, 2012 11:51 am

It may be stressful and he most likely needs time to himself. When given time to yuorself it allows them to see where they are wrong. Simply tell him how he is making you feel reassure him of how you feel about the two of you together and for him to get upset about marriage and saying things about so you can take everything. He clearly has an issue deeper than marriage something that you can try to talk to him about after you both have had your space. Please don't make the decision not to keep your child because of what is going on now. That is a life wether its born yet or not. People tend to take pregnancy lightly and make the decision to just not keep them due to their own selfish reasons. But stay strong, positive and being you two were able to have a place together for 2yrs you are clearly capable of taking on responsibilty. Hope all works out and although he doesn't want marriage now his whole mindset may change but for now worry about your health , preparing for your future as a mom I'm speaking from experience it isn't easy but it always gets better you will be okay
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